Kai-Lan's Royal Adventures
Season 1, Episode 7
"The Most Eligible Emperor"
[The episode begins with Rintoo and Hoho playing with their Robo Buddy toy.]
Rintoo: All right, Robo Buddy, do a super silly flip, followed by a wiggle and rub your tummy.
Robo Buddy: Your wish is my command.
[The Robo Buddy does a silly flip, wiggles his whole body and rubs his stomach, while making Rintoo and Hoho laugh.]
Hoho: I tell ya, there isn't nothing you can do than making our toy do silly things.
Rintoo: Well, you know, what can I say?
Robo Buddy: What do you want me to do next?
Hoho: Oh, oh, how about getting us two ice cream sundaes.
Rintoo: Awesome idea, Hoho. And be sure to put two cherries on top, if you don't mind.
Robo Buddy: I don't mind at all.
[The Robo Buddy rolss off to the kitchen to fix some ice cream sundaes for Rintoo and Hoho. After that, he runs back and hands them the sundaes.]
Rintoo and Hoho: Thanks.
[They both take their straws and slurp it. They then commence to burp, making them and the Robo Buddy laugh.]
Rintoo: Wow, this is the most awesome ice cream sundae I've ever drank.
Hoho: [slurps] Same here. [burps]
Robo Buddy: I am happy to give them to you.
[Kai-Lan, Tolee and Lulu walk in the living room.]
Kai-Lan: Hey guys, what's going on?
Rintoo and Hoho: Oh, nothing much. Just playing with our Robo Buddy.
Tolee: I see that. Hey, can you get it to grab the remote and turn on the TV.
Rintoo: No problem. Robo Buddy, turn on the TV.
[The Robo Buddy grabs the remote and turns on the TV.]
Kai-Lan: Let's see what's on.
[An episode of "Regular Show" is shown on the TV. It is a clip of the episode "Karaoke Video".]
Man [on TV]: What aren't you gonna take?!
Mordecai [on TV]: We're not gonna take any more garbage from our boss, Benson! What a loser.
Rigby: Yeah, go back to your sad apartment and be alone forever.
Rintoo: I still found it funny that they made a crazy video talking crazy things about their workers.
Tolee: That sounds like an episode I don't like. See what else is on.
[Kai-Lan changes the channel. This time, it's a scene from the "The Amazing World of Gumball" episode, "The Goons".]
Gumball: Okay, the first rule of being dumb is that dumb people don't take notes.
Hoho: This is one of my favorite episodes of "Gumball".
Rintoo: Same here. I laugh every time I watch it.
[Kai-Lan changes the channel again, and finds an amuzing advertisement by an unsufisticated emperor.]
Emperor: Hello, people of China. I am Emperor Malmard, and I have a very imortant announcement to all the lowly individuals out there. Be aware that there are several consequences that you must not face. First off, try not to get in my way. Doing so may result in a level two punishment. Second, do not and I mean do not, under any circumstances, get in my territory without any authorization on my guards, and last but not least, you must have a valid license in order to get into a royal celebration. Thank you.
Rintoo: Why, that is such nonsense. Why would an emperor enforce new strict rules in China? That dosen't even make sense.
Kai-Lan: I don't think those are even necessary. Someone should have a talk with him.
[The scene cuts to the palace backyard, where Rintoo is doing some skateboard tricks.]
Rintoo: Well, I don't think Emperor Malmard made any sense when he made all those rules. I bet I can outdo him and his stupid rules. Like for example, I could do some spraypaint his palace and tell people that there was other people who was doing some spraypainting. Or maybe I can race him, or, oh, how about egging him and telling him that he's a stupid nobody that has no friends and has a low credit score.
Emperor Malmard: Well, why do prove that you're better than me right now.
[Everyone turns their heads and see that Emperor Malmard has showed up at their palace.]
Rintoo: Aren't you that guy who was on that TV commercial?
Malmard: You're damn right. I am Emperor Malmard, but you call me Malmard, since I see you're an emperor yourself.
Rintoo: You got that right, and I have some things to tell you about the sudden rules you just announced. They are very aggressive, stupid, annoying and very, very bad.
Malmard: Well, I never. That's the first time I heard somebody say something disgraceful about me or my new rules.
Kai-Lan: He's kinda right, you know. There's no reason you should have to make up stuff that you know people are gonna hate.
Hoho: Yeah, and people are gonna start protesting about it.
Malmard: How should you know? You're just an amuzing prince who will do anything to make people laugh.
Hoho: Oh, you're mean.
Rintoo: Hey, I don't know what you're talking about. I said if you're were willing to take a challenge, then that'll happen.
Malmard: Oh, Rintoo, you blush too much.
Rintoo: How did you know my name?
Malmard: I know everything about you. How you run the palace, how you love dragons, race cars, and your embraced expression on aliens.
Tolee: Wow, this guy's a mind reader.
Rintoo: Well, I don't care who knows everything about me, they don't try to blackmail me, even if there are pushy, mean, and a big-headed donkey.
Malmard: What did you just call me?
Rintoo: You heard me. I called you a donkey.
[Malmard starts growing mad until his head turns red and his brain is as hot as fire.]
Tolee: Wow, Rintoo, you really done it this time.
Malmard: Nobody...calls...me...a donkey! Listen to me, you oval-shaped melon, you may have said some experience in running a palace, but you don't have the authorization to call me whatever the hell you might please. And I did not approve of it. Now if you're willing to prove to me that you're a better emperor than me, then you got yourself a challenge.
Rintoo: Oh, you're on.
Malmard: See you at the park, tomorrow afternoon, 3:00. And you better be there.
[Malmard leaves the palace.]
Lulu: Um, what just happened?
Rintoo: The most powerful emperor in all of China just challenged me to see who is a better emperor.
Kai-Lan: It sounds like he's gonna win.
Rintoo: I don't think so. If he wants to challenge me to a competiton, then he can prove himself wrong. Because I'm gonna challenge him, and prove to him that he's wrong.
Hoho: That's right. That guy is nothing but trouble.
Rintoo: If I'm gonna beat this guy, I'm need to practice.
Kai-Lan: Super idea, Rintoo. Me and Hoho can train you.
Rintoo: Excellent. Let's go.
[A montage of Rintoo training for his competition with Emperor Malmard is shown, while John Farnham's "Thunder in Your Heart" plays.]
Rintoo: Okay, I'm ready for that competition.
[The phone rings, and Rintoo walks over to it to see who it is.]
Malmard: [in a snaled voice] Yes, is this the castle of Emperor Rintoo?
Rintoo: Yes, it is. Who is this?
Malmard: Um, this is a bill collector, calling about a very serious issue concerning your castle's budget. In case you haven't noticed, there is a one percent chance that you soon be replaced by a much better emperor.
Rintoo: Hey, what a minute. Malmard, is that you?
Malmard: You're damn right it's me.
Rintoo: You big faker. I got a message for you. Get off of my phone!
[Rintoo hangs up the phone.]
Kai-Lan: Who was that?
Rintoo; Don't ask.
Kai-Lan: Malmard, wasn't it?
Rintoo: You guessed it. Tht guy makes me so mad I can just...Oh!
Tolee: He sounds like he wants to be the better emperor.
Rintoo: And he wants to beat me at it as well. But there's no way in my life that he will, because I have my methods, and an awesome crew to cheer me on. I'm ginna win that thing if it's the last thing I do!
Tolee: Go for it, Rintoo.
[The day of the competition, Rintoo and Malmard are taking their places at the starting line.]
Malmard: Your ass is going down, you little bitch.
Rintoo: Not if I beat yours, monkey breath.
Malmard: What did I say about calling me a monkey?
Rintoo: I don't know, but I forgot when you left my backyard.
Malmard: I have a very special surprise for you. This competition is being shown live on national television on...
[The show's theme song starts playing.]
Announcer: Welcome to everyone's favorite television show, "The Most Eligible Emperor". And now, here's your host, Charles Mackie.
Charles: Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of "The Most Eligible Emperor". Today, we have two very special competitors. First off, he's a tiger, is only five years old, and has a special interest in cars and dragons, Rintoo the Tiger.
[There is an audience in the background, applauding.]
Rintoo: I don't know how we wound up on this show, but it's awesome.
Charles: I know, right. Now, let's get on with our second challenger. This guy is such a pushover. He is the only reason why I'm here today. Please welcome, Emperor Homer Malmard.
Malmard: Well, you know, what can I say? It's an offer to call you guys and get both of us to compete on this show.
Charles: [laughs] Well, let's get to the challenge.
[The first challenge shows a piece of string hanging from a mudpit and a 7-and-a-half-foot wall with a bunch of rocks glued to it.]
Charles: All right, your first challenge is see if you can swing from a quicksand mudpit without falling off and get on the wall, while wearing fruit on your head, getting it safely to some colorful bowls.
Rintoo: This should be a shinch.
Hoho: Good luck, Rintoo. This challenge is all you. I mean, you should dominate this.
Rintoo: Yeah, thanks, Hoho.
[Both challengers take their marks at the starting line.]
Charles; All right, boys. On your mark, get set, and...go! [pulls the trigger on the gun and fires a shot.]
[Rintoo and Malmard start running to the string. Rintoo swings from the line first. He proceeds to do a Tarzan-like cry.]
Rintoo: Huh, that was easy. Now all I have to do is grab this fruit, climb over the wall and I'll be home-free.
[Rintoo grabs a bunch of fruit and starts climbing the 7-foot wall.]
Malmard: All right, now I have to grab this rope, swing on it, and get over the wall.
[Malmard grabs the rope and starts swinging, but due to his enormous size, the rope snaps off and he falls into the mudpit.]
Malmard: Ugh, what the hell happened?
Rintoo: Your big size snapped the rope off and you fell into the mudpit. Enjoy sinking. [laughs]
[Rintoo places the fruit into a bowl and runs over the next part of the challenge.]
Rintoo; Yes, awesome!
Charles: Alright, point one for Rintoo advances him to the second challenge. Let's see if some of our crew can get our second challenger out of that sinking mudhole.
[Two producers and the director grab Malmard by the hand and pull him out of the mudpit.]
Charles: Alrighty then, let's move on the second challenge. Now for this challenge, you have to make the most bad ass cake you have ever made. Each of you will have an hour to make it. And....go. [fires a shot again]
[Rintoo and Malmard try their very best to make a cake like they've never made before. Rintoo grabs a bag of flour and scoops up half a cup, and pours it into the bowl. He then stirs it up and put it into a cake pin.]
Rintoo: That is one good cake mixture. Now, let's put it in the oven, [He puts the cake pin in the oven.] and bake it for about 15 minutes. [sets the timer for 15 minutes]
[The time passes by with the two competitors doing their best to make their cakes. After a few minutes, Rintoo takes his cake out of the oven and decorates it, with pink flowers and rainbow colors.]
Charles: Time's up. Alright, let's judge the creations. [walks over to Rintoo] Um-huh, okay...pretty good. Rintoo gets another point. Let's see how Malmard made his cake. [judges Malmard's cake] Oh, my God, what...is that?!
Malmard: I call it the "Massive Pineapple Melon Cake", a Malmard family recipe that has been generated from family member to family member. Been in my family for generations.
Charles: Well, it sure has a...kick to it. I'd give it a A-.
Malmard: What?! This has been in my family so long, every member has declared it a recipe phenomeon.
Charles: Yeah, but I'm looking for something with class, and apparently, Rintoo has shown it. So, you know what I mean?
Malmard: [sarcastically] Yeah, I do.
Charles: Alright, so at the end of the second challenge, it's Rintoo, 2, Malmard, 0. We're gonna take a short break here, but we'll be back after these messages. [The show goes on break.]
Kai-Lan: Wow, Rintoo, you're doing a super job. You've already beat that big bad excuse of an emperor twice. If you beat him in the next challenge, you'll be the most eligible emperor.
Rintoo: I have thought about this day ever since I was challenged to do this competition.
Tolee: Let's see if you can win the next challenge, and we'll throw a special "congradulation" party.
Rintoo: A "congradulation" party. That's the most awesome idea I have ever heard of.
Kai-Lan: Alright, let's get back out there.
[The show comes back from a brief commercial break.]
Announcer: And welcome back to "The Most Elgible Emperor". Now here he is, Charles Mackie.
[The audience applauses.]
Charles: Welcome back, everyone. Let's met with our competitors to see how they will do in the final challenge. Let's start with Malmard. So Malmard, having lost two competitions in a row, how do you think you'll do in the final competition?
Malmard: I hope that I win this competition. I mean, that puny-sized tiger can just take a hike because whatever the challenge is, I'm pretty sure he won't win.
Charles: Oh, looks like Rintoo will not like what he just said, which will make this competition very statesgic. Let's have a chat with Rintoo before we start the challenge.
Rintoo: Whatever Malmard said about me is not true. First of all, I'm not puny. I happen to be a growing boy, and my duties as an emperor have paid off.
Charles: How do you think you'll win this last challenge, because it will be massive.
Rintoo: The same method I did with the first two, try my best and hope to have fun.
Charles: Alrighty then, let's move on to the final challenge.
[The final competition: They have to enter a three-lap race.]
Charles: Alright, you guys, this is it, the third and final challenge of today's show.
Rintoo: Awesome, we get to race!
Charles: That's right, Rintoo. For the final challenge, you two will race three laps around this dangerous and painful course.
Malmard: Dangerous and painful. This will be easy. Good luck winning this challenge, you energetic smut-face.
[Both competitors get into their cars.]
Hoho: Rintoo should win this challenge. He good at racing.
Charles: Fellas, starts your engines!
[Rintoo and Malmard rev up their engines.]
Charles: On your marks...get set...GO!! [waves the flag]
[Both competitors take off on the somewhat dangerous race course.]
Charles: And they're off! Malmard goes over the high point and swirves Rintoo off course, but Rintoo turns over and pushes him out of course, landing him in the trees. Rintoo is now in the lead. What do you think about competition, Tom
Tom: Well, you know, when you have two people racing in a freestyle competition, you gotta hand it to the two of them to try their best and give it all they got.
Charles: Yeah, that's the same thing that got me this job. And let's face it, there's a one in 50 percent that there is a winner.
[Rintoo drives over to the finish line, bringing him in to his second lap. He takes a sip of juice from his cup.]
Charles: Rintoo has entered his second lap, with Malmard right behind him in the dust.
[Kai-Lan and the gang cheer Rintoo on, making sure that he is still in the lead.]
Kai-Lan: Come on, Rintoo! You can do this! Show 'em what you got!
Rintoo: Xie xie, Kai-Lan! I will!
[Rintoo picks up some speed, landing him to 145 miles per hour. He grabs some fruit from a tree and takes a bite out of it.]
Rintoo: Hah, Malmard's so behind me. I got this race in the bag.
Malmard: Come on, go faster. I want to win this thing! [Malmard lands in a pile of flowers and his car shuts off. He tries to crank it up, but it won't start.] What the..? Ugh, son of a bitch! Come on!
Charles: Uh-oh, it looks it Malmard can't start his car. Looks like he's out of the race.
Rintoo: Hah! I knew it. He dosen't have what it takes to become a race car driver.
[Rintoo enters his third and final lap. He finds Malmard still trying to fight his car out of the pile of flowers. He decides to insult him by honking his horn at him.]
Rintoo: You're a loser!
Malmard: oh, shut the [bleep] up, you stupid ass hippie!
[Rintoo speeds up again, reaching a speed limit of 159 miles per hour.]
Rintoo: Wow, somehow I feel like I'm gonna ace this race.
Malmard: No the [bleep] he ain't. Time for the ultimate sacrafice. [He grabs a handbag from his trunk and grabs his phone.] Fellas, bring out my emergency race car.
[Two of Malmard's assistants show up with a Ford Focus race car, with his empire's logo on it. By it, the Circle K logo is on it.]
Malmard: Thank you. Now I have a race to accomplish. [He cranks the car up and takes off at 95 mph.]
Charles: And it looks it Malmard is back in the race, in his signature race car. I should know, I looked at it before I showed up here.
[Rintoo is about to cross the finish line when Malmard shows up and throws him off his course.]
Malmard: [bleep] you, hippie!
Rintoo: What the? How did he get another car?
[Malmard enters his third lap, and gives thanks to his crew for giving him the car.]
Malmard: I am gonna win this bitch, baby! Yeah! [All of a sudden, his car starts going out of control.] What the hell?! No, no, NO!!! [The car suddenly stops.] No, no, no, no, no, no, no!! GODDAMMIT! I was so close. [sobs]
[Rintoo successfully crosses the finish line.]
Charles: And the winner of "The Most Eligible Emperor" is...Rintoo the Tiger!
[The crowd cheers for Rintoo's win, while multicolored balloons and confetti drop down.]
Rintoo: No way, I won? That's awesome!
Kai-Lan: Rintoo, you did it. You outbeat Malmard and you won the competition.
Tolee: You're a good sport.
Rintoo: I know, and look at Malmard. He's so upset that he can't even get up off the ground.
Malmard: [sobs] No, no, my car. WHAT THE [bleep] HAPPENED?!
1st Assistant: We don't know. We thought we got everything worked out.
Malmard: Yeah, WELL THANKS TO YOU, I JUST LOST THE CHALLENGE!! I'LL KILL YOU, BOTH OF YOU!!
[Malmard angrily chases his assistants around the course. Both assistants scream.]
Hoho: How long do you think it'll be before he forgets all of this?
Rintoo: Let's hope he won't, because I'm enjoying this.
[Everyone laughs at Malmard while he chases his assistants for making him lose the challenge.]
End of episode.
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